The Weight-Ing Game
by UP864078
Summary: Following a particularly embarrassing incident during a mission, Professor Squawkencluck worries that her bottom is too fat, so she decides to start taking up a vigorous exercise routine and heavy dieting in order to lose weight - which Danger Mouse worries will do more harm than good. Loosely inspired by the FIMFiction story "Twilight Sparkle Loses Weight".


_**A/N: This was partially inspired by the FiMFiction story "Twilight Sparkle Loses Weight" by **_**articunos bitch**_**. Also, thanks to Generation's Incarnation for letting me use the name "Glaring Smart Chick" from her fanfiction "Danger Games Chat Room Skit". All rights belong to their respective owners.**_

It was morning time in London. The taxis were honking, the politicians were arguing about Brexit (honestly, who cares about it anymore?), and the birds were singing ("Eight Miles High", to be specific).

But our focus for this morning was on the outskirts of London. There was an old, abandoned factory, and it appears it was on fire.

On the inside, through the corridors, Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck were running away towards the exit of the building, with Danger Mouse taking Squawkencluck by the hand and running with her, from a large burst of flames following them.

'Don't worry, Professor,' said Danger Mouse. 'We shall be approaching the exit in no time!'

Squawkencluck was miffed at Danger Mouse. 'You know, you could have put this fire out if only you hadn't wasted the fire extinguisher on Birch Badboy!' she sternly told him.

'That was self-defence! We needed to defend ourselves from his attack!'

'And by "attack", you mean "farting in our faces", because that's all he was doing. I don't think a simple fart is going to kill us.'

'Did you not see the lighter in his hand? I was trying to put out the source of the fire!' Danger Mouse argued.

Squawkencluck didn't say anything. Instead, she and Danger Mouse kept running until they got to the exit of the building. Unfortunately, the fire up on the level above caused a large amount of junk to cover up the door, blocking their exit.

Penfold was waiting outside with the Mark IV. He had to keep an eye on the car in case Birch didn't jump out and steal it.

The reason why Danger Mouse and Squawkencluck were inside the building in the first place was because they needed to shut off a generator that Birch was setting up in the factory. They didn't know what it was meant for, but since this is Birch we're talking about, it could have only been to commit trouble.

Danger Mouse noticed a circular window next to the blocked-off door. He thought that he and Squawkencluck could get through the window.

'Okay, Professor, there is a window next to the door. If we can do it, we should be able to climb through that window to safety. Then, we'll meet Penfold and we can get out of here. You go first. I'll make sure neither the fire nor Birch catch up with us.'

Squawkencluck followed Danger Mouse's orders. She went up to the window and opened it. She squeezed her head through the window, then pulled her arms and torso through it …

… and then she stopped. She didn't want to, but she seemed to be stuck.

'Huh? What?' Squawkencluck said. She turned her head around and gaped in shock upon realizing her predicament. 'Oh no…'

While her upper body had gotten through the hole, the other half of her body was stuck, caused in no small part by her wide hips and ample behind.

Just then, Penfold turned up in front of her. 'Professor are you alright?' he asked.

'Not exactly, Penfold,' she responded. 'I think I'm stuck.' She tried to wiggle her bottom through the window, but it was no use.

'Right, Professor,' Danger Mouse said from the other side, staring at her legs and tushie sticking out. 'I can see that you're stuck. Don't worry, me and Penfold will help get you out. Did you hear that, Penfold?'

'Yes, I heard that, chief. What do you want me to do?'

'I want you to grab hold of the Professor's arms and pull. Meanwhile, I will try and push her out. Are you ready?'

'Yes, chief, I heard.'

'I really can't believe that this is happening,' Squawkencluck muttered to herself.

'Right, here we go!' Danger Mouse promptly gave Squawkencluck's bottom a big shove as Penfold pulled on her arms. She felt quite uncomfortable with what was happening, but it had to be done.

Danger Mouse kept pushing, shoving and squeezing, but no matter what happened, Squawkencluck wouldn't budge, and he was losing his energy. It was a very "Honey Tree" situation.

Eventually, his arms started to ache badly, and he was in a lot of pain. After a few seconds, he bellowed out a loud yell of 'DARN IT!' … which turned out to be for the better. His yelling caused the window's metal frame to vibrate violently, and after a few seconds it shattered, freeing Squawkencluck from her predicament as she then slipped out onto Penfold's side. Danger Mouse's yelling had also caused a metal fire extinguisher to shatter, firing its contents over the fire behind him and putting the fire out.

Danger Mouse looked at the new hole in the wall and was proud of himself. Not only was Squawkencluck free, but now the hole was big enough for his head to fit through. In one swift move, he jumped through the hole. Outside, he saw Penfold helping Squawkencluck back up onto her legs.

'Right, we don't have much time to lose, so we need to jump into the car and head back to HQ!' Danger Mouse told them. He and Penfold then jumped into the Mark IV, while Squawkencluck dusted herself down before heading into the car, and then they drove off.

Birch ran out of the door of the now extinguisher foam-covered building and tried to chase the Mark IV, but he decided it was no use.

'Oh, you haven't seen the last of me, Danger Mouse. Just wait until the end of this fanfiction, and I will have my revenge!'

Wow, Birch. Thanks for spoiling the climax.

'Hey, it's called causing trouble, and that's what I do.'

* * *

'Good show, DM! It's great to hear that you helped the Professor out and stopped Birch's Generator,' Colonel K congratulated Danger Mouse, who was in the former's office back at HQ.

'Thanks, Colonel, but considering how I save the day around five days a week, you don't really need to thank me every single time I save the day. You'll probably get bored of it,' Danger Mouse joked.

'Okay, but I'm glad to see that you've discovered your ability to shatter metal with your voice. That ability has been something associated with your family tree for almost 80 years! The ability was first discovered by your American ancestor, Yank Mouse, back around 1940.'

'Really?' Danger Mouse asked. 'How did he find out?'

'From what I've heard, he found out about it when his loud yelling caused a nearby bridge to shake and collapse.'

'Wow! I didn't know any of that, Colonel. Thanks for telling me. Now, I'm probably in need of a spot of tea.'

'Of course, DM, you do that, you've earned it.'

Danger Mouse promptly exited K's office and then entered the living room/kitchen. He got his favourite mug, put a tea bag in, and put the kettle on. After doing that, he noticed Professor Squawkencluck standing by a mirror in the room.

'Hey, Professor,' he said. 'I'm making some tea for myself, do you want any?'

'Not just yet, Danger Mouse,' she replied, in a rather quiet voice.

After Danger Mouse finished making his tea, he noticed what Squawkencluck was doing. She had taken her lab coat off and left it on one of the kitchen chairs, and she had her back turned to the mirror whilst looking at her reflection. He noticed that she was looking at her bottom's reflection, clad in her balloon-seated skinny jeans, and she had a concerned look on her face. She was always aware of its size, but she often wasn't bothered about it as she had more important stuff to think about. Only now was she starting to worry about its size. Danger Mouse slowly approached her.

'Professor are you alright?' he asked.

After asking this, Squawkencluck turned her head towards Danger Mouse and walked over to him.

'Danger Mouse, I want to ask you something,' she said.

'Go on, then, I'm all ears,' he replied.

Squawkencluck took in a deep breath and began. 'You remember earlier today when we were getting out of the building and I got stuck in the window, you do know why I got stuck, don't you?'

Danger Mouse shrugged and responded, 'I don't know; the window was too small?'

'Well, yes and no,' she told him. 'There was another reason why I got stuck through that window.'

As she said this, she turned her back to Danger Mouse, and bent over slightly, sticking her bottom out towards him. She then turned her head to him, pointed to her bottom, and said '**This** was why I got stuck. Because my bum is too fat.'

As soon as Danger Mouse heard this, he started sweating. He never knew what to say when somebody asked him about their rear end. In one case, when he and Penfold were going on _Strictly Come Dancing_, Penfold asked him before their performance if the dress he was wearing made his tushie look big. Obviously, Danger Mouse didn't think it did, but he was so disturbed by someone significantly younger than him asking this that he hesitantly said "No". It was just a subject that he was uncomfortable with talking about.

However, one thing that Danger Mouse did think was that Squawkencluck's plump backside was not a result of one order of chips too many, but rather genetics – both of her parents sported similar, *ahem*, "physical anomalies", and it always seemed to him that Squawkencluck just inherited that girth.

'Okay. Is there a problem with its size?' he asked, trying to put on a brave face.

'Yes, there is!' she sternly told him. 'I can't be overweight like this! It makes me look kinda like a freak, and I don't want to imagine the health problems I can develop.'

'Okay.'

'I've been thinking. I know we have a gym somewhere in the building, but I think that, for me to lose this excess weight, I might have to go to a more intense gym.'

'More intense?' Danger Mouse questioned. 'Isn't our gym intense enough for us?'

'Maybe for you, but I have got a large amount of weight that I need to lose, so I need to do a very large amount of exercising and dieting if I want to get fit and healthy.'

This time, Danger Mouse put on a stern face, deciding to let Squawkencluck know about his feelings on her bum size. 'Professor, I'm going to make this quite clear. I'm pretty sure that you won't be able to lose the extra back weight through exercise.'

'And what is _that_ supposed to mean?' Squawkencluck questioned in a triggered tone, with fire in her eyes and a scowl on her face. Before Danger Mouse could respond, Squawkencluck gasped and shot out with 'I see what you're saying – you're saying that, since I'm not as fit and healthy as you, I'm not able to push myself to do this exercise. That is what you're saying, isn't it?!'

'No, Professor, you know that is not true!' Danger Mouse reprimanded.

'Yes, it is! You're always bragging about how actively fit and healthy you are and how I'm apparently not as cool and skilled as you! You're just someone who views me as a fatty! Now I understand why you got me a Wii Fit™ for my birthday!'

Danger Mouse's mouth dropped at what she was saying. He was most definitely **not** a fat shamer! He would never dream of delving into it!

'Well listen, buster! I'm going to prove you wrong! I **will** take up intense gym sessions and I **will** heavily diet, and I am not going to stop until my bum is as small as yours! You'll see, **YOU'LL SEE!**'

Squawkencluck promptly stormed out of the living room. Danger Mouse was staring at his own backside, figuring out how small she wanted hers to be. He knew this would only end in disaster.

* * *

_**Farmer Brown's Mega Gym:**_

"_**If you don't lose weight, we increase your pay rate!"**_

Professor Squawkencluck read the name and motto of the gym that she was planning on going to. She had been hearing good reviews on how much one can lose whilst at this gym, and as such it was the first on her list (it was either that or _Quark's Bunga Bunga Workout Shack_).

She entered the building and walked through a hallway. On each side of her was a gym room – one for machines like running and cycling, and the other for weight machines. She figured that she would need to use the former room to get rid of her excess weight. Soon, she approached the reception desk and spoke with the receptionist.

'Hi,' she said. 'I'd like to sign up for some sessions, please.'

The receptionist looked up and responded with 'What is it you want to book these for: losing weight, building muscles, or both?'

'Losing weight, please.'

The receptionist then picked up the phone next to her and made a call. 'Hello, sir? … There's a chicken at the desk who's hoping to sign up for some weight loss sessions … Yep … Thank you very much.' She hung up and said to Squawkencluck 'Okay, you can enter his office, now. He's down corridor A1, room 13.'

'Thank you.'

Squawkencluck walked down to the office where the head of weight loss was located at. Once she arrived at the door, she knocked.

'Come in,' a voice inside called.

Squawkencluck promptly opened the door and entered the office. Sitting at the desk was a wolf reading the newspaper. He wore a baseball cap on his head, a whistle round his neck, and a t-shirt that read "Ricardo". He seemed to be around the same age as Squawkencluck, maybe even a little younger. He put down his newspaper and greeted her with a 'Morning, ace.'

'… who's ace?' Squawkencluck asked, oblivious that it was just a greeting he used.

'So, I've heard that you wanted to lose some weight in this gym, is that right?' he asked, being polite.

'Yes, very true.'

'Okay, then. Well, first I need to know what your problem area is. Can you show me it?'

'Okay,' Squawkencluck responded, and she turned around, bent over, and lifted the back of her lab coat, showing her large bottom, the "problem area".

The gym instructor looked for a few seconds and then said, 'Thank you, you may take a seat.'

She obeyed and sat down on the chair in front of his desk.

'Before we can start these sessions, I need to take some information about you. I need to know your full name, date of birth, email address, and residence address, please.'

She listed out what he asked for. 'Prof. Professor Squawkencluck; 22 February 1988; glaringsmartchick ; 7b Nation Army Lane, Mayfair.'

Whilst writing these down on a form, the instructor looked up with a confused look on his face after hearing her first name, "Professor", never hearing that sort of first name before. He then typed these details up on the computer next to him, pressed enter, and waited. After a few seconds, a "BING!" came from the computer.

'Okay then, welcome to Farmer Brown's Mega Gym!' he greeted enthusiastically. 'We are one of London's top gyms, and you have come to the right place, for we offer exercise that works on the three most common problem areas – bums, tums and Afghanistan. Now, first thing's first, you need to get changed.'

A few minutes later, Squawkencluck came out of the changing rooms, the instructor waiting for her outside. Her gym clothes consisted of a white & gold gym top and a red buruma. After coming out, the instructor led her into the weight loss area. The music in the room was pumping out "Give it all you got, dance, dance, dance, get on it, take it to the top…"

'So, just to ask, Professor,' he asked her. 'Do you need a personal trainer?'

She, oblivious to what he meant by "personal trainer", responded with 'I already have two – one on each foot.'

He started laughing at what he thought was her making a pun but stopped once he saw her face and realised she was being serious. He then handed her a sheet of paper with a table on it.

'This is a table of what exercises you can do at this gym and how long each should be done for. Use it as a guide for the amount you want to lose.'

Squawkencluck looked through the table and noticed one labelled "Toe Touching". She recalled seeing Danger Mouse doing that exercise each morning, so she figured that she could do this kind of exercise in hopes that she would get a similar body to him.

'How about "Toe Touching"?' she asked. 'My co-worker does that each morning and it keeps him in shape. Do you think it would be good for me to do that?'

The instructor replied with 'If you do want to do that first, then I suggest that you go for one of those private rooms on the left-hand side.' He pointed to said private exercise rooms.

Squawkencluck was confused. 'Why?' she asked.

'Most people who try Toe Touching for the first time tend to accidentally fart when they complete their first Toe Touch, and you have to do it a few times before you stop breaking wind.'

'Aah. Thanks,' she said, thanking him, and so she headed in to a private exercise room, so she can start her Toe Touching without anybody hearing her tooting.

* * *

After her trial run at the gym, Professor Squawkencluck headed back to HQ just in time for dinner. the first thing she did once she got back was measure herself. She was delighted to see that she had burned off 3,102 calories in her session, and she was feeling slightly lighter, but she intended on burning more if she wanted to lose all the excess weight in her rear end.

She then headed into the living room where she saw Danger Mouse cooking their evening meal. He turned around and noticed her entering. He could tell she had been to the gym, namely as she was still wearing her blue & black gym top and red buruma underneath her lab coat.

'I'll have that cup of tea, now,' she joked. 'Skimmed milk and no sugar, please.'

Danger Mouse kept staring and said, whilst pulling out a tea exactly in those instructions, 'Okay, but it will be dinner time soon, so don't have too much beforehand. Anyway, how did your gym session go?'

'It went very well, thanks!' she replied. 'See? I told you that I could lose this weight. Anyway, I probably won't have that much for dinner anyway. What was it?'

'It's a Sunday Roast, all the trimmings. We're having beef. Did you just want one slice with three roasties and veg?'

'No, I mean I'll only have one piece of whatever veg you're having.'

Danger Mouse went wide-eyed at that comment. Did Squawkencluck really refuse to have one of his trademark lovely Sunday Roasts? And why such a small amount?

'Erm, Professor, why do you want such a small amount?'

'Danger Mouse, I'm on a diet. I can't eat a whole roast until I'm fit and healthy and stop getting stuck through windows, and even then, only maybe,' she responded.

Danger Mouse started to get worried.

'Professor, I'm not sure if that's really how diets work. They work by cutting down slightly on what you eat daily and replacing the rest with healthier alternatives.'

'I am replacing the rest with healthier alternatives: gym sessions. Those stop me from feeling too hungry,' she said, keeping an upbeat attitude. 'Anyway, I believe that I need to put on my steamed lime half. That's what I'm having for dessert.'

'Why can't you have the whole lime?'

'**Diet.**'

As Squawkencluck walked back down to her lab, Danger Mouse decided to head into Colonel K's office to talk about Squawkencluck's predicament.

'Colonel, can I see you about something?'

'Aah, DM, of course! What's the problem?' he asked.

Danger Mouse took a seat. 'Well, you see, Professor Squawkencluck is planning on going on a diet and take intense gym sessions–'

'Good for her! Always good to be fit and healthy! As you can see with me, it's probably too late for me to do the same thing as her.'

'Okay, Colonel, but I'm not sure if she understands how it works. For starters, she's apparently in the mind set that she needs to go to the gym every day.'

'Don't you go to the gym every day, DM?' K asked.

'Yes, but my sessions tend to last 1½ hours. Squawk was in the gym for 3 hours, twice if me! And diets are supposed to reduce the unhealthy stuff and replace some of it with healthier alternatives, but for _her_ diet, she seems to be barely eating anything!'

'_You_ don't eat that much.'

'I don't eat that much _junk food_. I don't not eat much in general.'

'So, what you're saying is that … you're putting on weight?'

Danger Mouse couldn't take it anymore, and so he exploded with 'SHE'S STARVING HERSELF, COLONEL!'

Finally, the button clicked in K's head. He realised what Danger Mouse was on about. Squawkencluck was barely eating anything as she wasn't happy with her body image (though he could've sworn he remembered Danger Mouse having that problem at one point too). Both Danger Mouse and K had seen this before in several TV shows, where somebody was concerned over their weight and starved themselves. But surely, knowing the sort of geek that Squawkencluck is, wouldn't _she_ have seen these TV episodes before? Or could it just be that they themselves were in that kind of TV episode, or fanfiction in this case?

* * *

Professor Squawkencluck kept going to that gym for two weeks. During that time, her eating portions were kept to a very small amount. Danger Mouse tried to play along with it in to see if he could look at the issue from a different angle, but no matter how he viewed it he could only see it turning out bad. Her portions were clearly getting too small, and her tummy kept grumbling from getting hungry, but she didn't listen. She was putting more variety in her exercises, which was admittedly good, but she was doing them for too long and way above what she was physically capable of doing. Hey, at least in her thoughts it was a good thing that she was losing a good amount of weight … right?

* * *

The two weeks were up. Professor Squawkencluck asked Colonel K to get Danger Mouse and Penfold to go down to the living room. They did so, and K joined them as a hologram.

'I wonder what the Professor's going to show us?' Penfold asked enthusiastically.

'I believe I already know,' Danger Mouse responded. 'And I don't think it's going to be pretty.'

'Chin up, DM!' K told Danger Mouse. 'I doubt it will be too bad.'

Danger Mouse and Penfold sat down, patiently waiting.

Finally, Squawkencluck shouted from outside the living room, 'Drumroll please!' and she promptly mimicked a drumroll. After the drumroll finished, she slid into the room, and then turned to face the others and said, 'Ta da!'

The three of them stared at her. Penfold didn't know what the surprise was.

'So, what do you think?' Squawkencluck asked.

Penfold, confused, asked 'What do I think of what?'

'My body! My new and improved body!' she squealed excitedly. 'I've finally managed to lose a massive amount of weight by doing more exercise and cutting down on what I eat. When you last saw me, Penfold, I got stuck through a window because my bum was just too darn fat. However, by following some easy steps, that is no longer the case! I shall no longer be the butt of many butt jokes!' Se emphasized that last part by turning around and sticking her bum out.

The three of them just continued to stare. They could tell very clearly that her rear end had very little decrease in size. There probably used to be a small layer of fat on her bum, but it was nothing more than a bit of pudge, and it was now gone.

Danger Mouse eventually broke silence. 'Professor, I'd hate to break it to you, but … your backside has barely changed at all.'

Squawkencluck promptly went wide-eyed at his comment, and then changed it to an angry frown. 'Of course, _you'd_ be the one who would claim that I haven't changed. Just look at me.'

'I am looking at you, Professor, and I am being serious. I really can see little difference with your behind.'

K admitted 'I have to agree with DM, Professor. You really don't seem to have changed appearance at all.'

Squawkencluck got angrier. She turned to Penfold and said 'Penfold, have I lost any weight? Have I?'

After a second, Penfold admitted his feelings. 'To be honest, Professor, I never actually noticed the size of your bottom before. It's only now I do notice it, so I can't really say that it's lost weight.'

Squawkencluck had enough and turned so her whole body was facing the three. 'Well, thanks for being _so honest_, guys!' she sarcastically shouted at them. 'You know, I thought I was actually getting somewhere before the three of you told me otherwise!'

She then took off her lab coat.

Penfold and K promptly recoiled in disgust, while Danger Mouse just stared with his mouth agape. After a few seconds, K promptly turned off his hologram, "leaving" the room.

'What? WHAT?!' she started screaming.

'… Professor,' Danger Mouse asked. '… what happened to you?'

'What do you mean, what happened to me?' she responded in her bitter way.

It was plain to see. Her torso and arms had become almost skin and bone. Her body was now just as thin as Jeopardy Mouse's body, but nowhere near as strong. The rims of her arm bones were showing through as well. She looked incredibly ill.

Danger Mouse took a deep breath and walked over to Squawkencluck. He started speaking. 'Professor, I guess you were right about losing a large amount of weight … but you haven't lost it from the place you wanted to lose it from.'

'What do you mean, Danger Mouse?'

'Look at yourself, Professor.' He placed an arm on her torso, just below her breast line, and lifted her shirt. Then, he poked her multiple times with his paws. 'Do you know what those bumps are?'

'… muscle?'

Danger Mouse shook his head. 'Those are your ribs. It's unnatural for one's ribs to show through. This shouldn't be happening, Professor. You've been starving yourself–'

'NO! You're wrong, Danger Mouse! I'm not starving myself! I'm just slimming down from my diet. If you're upset about my body figure change then that's your problem.'

'Exactly. I had this problem when I was a teenager, Professor. I wasn't happy about my appearance either. I'm worried about you because you're doing the same thing I did and it's giving me horrible flashbacks! I've been trying to tell you.'

Squawkencluck just looked at him with a worried face. Could he be right?

'When did you last look at yourself in the mirror, Professor?'

After Danger Mouse asked her that, Squawkencluck walked over to the mirror to see what he was on about. And he was very right. Her torso and arms were now a skinny mess, while her bottom had barely changed size.

After a few seconds, she shrieked 'You're right! I look horrible! I look like a freak! This is probably why I've been getting stomach cramps all week, and why I've also felt dizzy so often! I'll still be the butt of many butt jokes, but also skinny jokes as well! I'm literally dying! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the. WORST! _POSSIBLE! __**THING!**_'

And then she collapsed onto the floor and burst out crying. She felt like a complete idiot for what she was doing to herself.

Danger Mouse crouched down next to her and gave her his handkerchief. She was sniffling when she noticed his hand out. She then gently took the handkerchief out from his hand and started wiping her tears and blowing her nostrils with it.

'Professor, I–'

Suddenly, K's hologram burst back on. 'DM! Pencil! Professor! I've just remembered that I needed to tell you three about something!'

'What? What is it, Colonel?' Danger Mouse asked.

'You remember at the beginning of the fanfiction, when you and Squawk destroyed a generator that Birch Badboy was using for some rude plan or something?'

'Yes?'

'Well, it turns out that he had a backup generator inside that building, and apparently the fire extinguisher that you set off with your voice stopped the flames from destroying it. In other words, he's going to use this generator instead.'

'Thanks, Colonel, but how did you find out? SpamChops again?'

K nodded his head, and then brought up a video which showed Birch in his house.

'So, boys, being a punk, being a bit of a spiritual new wave guy, I like to put a bit of incense on now and again…'

'Oops,' K realised. 'Wrong video.'

He then changed it to a different video, uploaded the previous month. This video had Birch in front of the Houses of Parliament.

'So here I am, at the Houses of Parliament. Most punks often like to sing about overthrowing the government, but this time I'm going to do this physically. By using my extreme skills in science, I have built up a generator (and another one, for safe keepsies) that can power the ultimate stink bomb to gas the whole of parliament. That oughta teach the government for using a building with a clock tower that looks like–'

K then turned the video off.

'Fully advised and briefed, Colonel,' Danger Mouse stated. He then said 'Penfold, get ready for the Mk. IV. Professor, we're going to need you again for this mission.'

* * *

Danger Mouse, Professor Squawkencluck, and Penfold were all in the Mk. IV heading off to the Houses of Parliament. Whilst they were driving, Squawkencluck was still hunched over with a miserable look on her face and her eyes still damp. Danger Mouse decided to speak to her.

'Hey, Professor,' he began. 'You don't need to be upset.'

'Yes, I do,' she responded. 'That exercise I was doing was less saving me and more ruining me. I'm now stick thin around my upper body while my bum still bulges outward like a bubble in a tyre. I have a horrible body.'

'Look, I know that you may not be happy with your body image, but as I said to you earlier, I had a similar problem when I was a teenager with not being happy with my body image. Colonel K stopped me from feeling embarrassed by it and since then I don't hold such qualms. Also, may I ask, is there actually anything wrong with having a large backside?'

'Yes. This whole thing began because it was too fat to fit through a window that I should have been able to fit through otherwise.'

Danger Mouse remembered what happened there. 'Well, okay, maybe there's that, but that only happened once, and even if it happened again, me and/or Penfold would be able to help you out. Also, I wouldn't refer to your backside as fat. Rather, I'd refer to it as "festively plump".'

Squawkencluck kept listening to what he said. 'You don't consider my bum to be fat?'

'Fat usually means that it's covered in a large layer of fat, and at first glance it would seem to be that the food you eat goes straight to your rear. However, I'm pretty sure that, in your case, it's actually genetical.'

'… really?'

'Yeah. I remember when I met your parents, and they had very similar, well, "quirks", as you. I don't think it was a coincidence that yours looks like theirs.'

'Okay. Thanks Danger Mouse. But that hasn't exactly helped me.'

'To be openly honest, Professor, I really don't see anything wrong with the size of your behind.'

'Really?'

'Not one problem. In fact, in some ways, at least for you, there's probably some reasons why the size of your rump could be considered a good thing. Can you think of any?'

She started to think and give off a slight smile. '… well, I guess it gives me a comfy seat whenever I sit down, including on rough ground …'

'Yes.'

'… and when I dance, I'm able to do a good booty/tailfeather wiggle!' She was smiling even more.

'Exactly! This is sounding good.'

'And I guess that it does compliment my figure in a way that makes me look attractive...'

'Yes! That's what I'm talking about, Professor! It's not all bad! It's actually quite good!'

'And I guess that means I shouldn't be concerned over my chubby body either, right chief?' Penfold squeaked.

'Yes, Penfold! You're right! Quite right!'

'YES! All this time I've been embarrassed about the size and shape of my bum when I should've been proud of it's size and shape!' She then leant over and gave Danger Mouse a big hug. 'Thank you, Danger Mouse.'

'No problem, Professor. While some may mock you for it, there is no denying that, at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with how you grow up to look like, and you look perfect in any way.'

"You look perfect in any way." Guys, can you please can the _Steven Universe_ nonsense?

'Sorry.'

* * *

They had arrived at the Houses of Parliament.

'Right then,' Danger Mouse began. 'I'm going to have to give them the secret code to enter.'

'They have a secret code?' Professor Squawkencluck asked.

'Yes. Sorry for not telling you earlier. Watch me and then you can learn for yourself if you want to visit at any time.'

Danger Mouse walked up to the door, and then he knocked on the door.

*knock*

*knock*

*knock*

*knock*

'… can we come in?'

The door opened, and there was the tea lady of Parliament answering the door.

'Aah! Danger Mouse! Nice to see you again!' she greeted. 'And Penfold's here too! And I take it that this is the wonderful scientist you've been telling me about?'

'Yes, Miss, the gang's all here,' Danger Mouse joked. 'We're here because we've heard that someone is planning on going down into the basement of Parliament with a generator–'

'Ooh, I know who you mean! His name was "Birch Fawkes" and he told me that he was going to get rid of some 'gross' stuff from Parliament, so I'm guessing he's a fumigator. Though he was also quite unpleasant and rude, so I'm guessing he's also a contractor.'

'Right. We need you to take us to him. Now.'

The tea lady led them into the houses, and the four of them walked down to the basement.

'Danger Mouse,' Squawkencluck asked. 'Did you really have to describe me to her as a "wonderful scientist"?'

'Yes,' he responded. 'Why not? I consider it a compliment.'

'Okay, but it's also very embarrassing.'

The four of them eventually arrived at the doorway of the basement. The tea lady then pushed open the door and there was Birch (wearing one of those Stuart-era hats that kinda looked like a cone – think Windy Miller) chatting on the phone.

'Sorry, dear, but I'm in the middle of a mission. I'm stinking up Parliament. beat Don't worry, I'll pick up the kids tomorrow. beat Okay, love you, bye.'

As he finished talking, he turned around and noticed the three had been staring at him chatting to his wife on the phone (the tea lady had left). He got embarrassed and then turned back around, holding his phone up as though he was still chatting, and said 'Well, woman, why don't you kiss my hairy butt!' He then threw the phone down and asked the three 'Hey, guys, got any beer?'

'Beer?' Penfold asked. 'Why?'

'Because then you'll be ready to party for the last few minutes of your cleanliness once your locked up in here with my bomb generator!'

'You mean when _we're_ locked up in here, right?' Danger Mouse asked in a smug tone, gesturing his hands to indicate all four of them.

'What?' Birch spouted out. 'Oh, no, I'm not going to be down here with you guys.'

'Well, then, who's going to power up the bomb whilst we're down here?'

'It's running on mains switch. It doesn't need someone to watch over.'

'So, you've planned an elaborate death scheme for us that you can avoid. Don't you think you should just kill us to be safe?' Danger Mouse was having way too much fun with this.

'Tea, Birch!' the tea lady said standing at the door.

'Thanks, miss.' He walked up to the door, took his tea, and said to the tea lady, 'Sorry, but I think you may have forgotten to bring my cake.'

'Ooh, sorry,' she apologised. 'I'll go get that.'

A few seconds after she left, Birch very quickly dashed through the door with a remote in his hand, shoving Danger Mouse to the ground when he tried to run after him. Just before he shut the door, he pressed a button on the remote, and said 'You're all hook, line and stinker, now. Toodle-pip!'

He slammed and locked the door.

Danger Mouse got up and noticed that the generator had one minute before setting the bomb off. Penfold, obviously, was panicking, but Danger Mouse wasn't worried at first.

'Don't worry, Penfold, we'll just use the Professor's automatic clamp lid on the generator's air intake and this bomb will be deactivated,' he insisted, before turning to Squawkencluck and asking, 'Speaking of which, where is your lid?'

'… that was destroyed on the first generator from earlier in this fanfic. Maybe if the author gave it more of an introduction, we would've been more aware of where it was.'

After she finished saying that, Danger Mouse stared for five seconds before he joined Penfold in panicking, screaming 'AAH! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!'

Squawkencluck tried to think of what she could do to the generator. _There must be another way_, she thought. She looked around the generator, hoping to find any wires to cut or plugs to pull out. Unfortunately, it was plugged into an area that the generator was covering up, and it was too heavy to move out of the way. She kept thinking about what to do, really worrying.

Then, she looked at the air intake again. It was quite big, and she figured that, if something like a giant cork were shoved into it, then it should fail.

She then looked at her bum. She had an idea.

'Danger Mouse! Stop panicking! I have an idea!'

Danger Mouse obeyed her and stopped screaming his head off. 'What? What's the idea?' he asked.

'If I used my bum to plug up the air intake, then we can make the generator fail! C'mon! I need you to push my bum into the intake! Now!'

'Are you sure, Professor?'

'YES!'

'Okay.' As Squawkencluck turned around so her backside faced the intake, and then pressed it against the intake, Danger Mouse then got hold of her hips and started pushing.

'Yes, Danger Mouse! We're doing it!' Squawkencluck shouted enthusiastically.

Soon, a pop was heard. Her bottom had plugged up the intake! She waited patiently for any sign of it shutting off. Soon, the display read "Systematic Error" and it started to vibrate violently. Eventually, after a good number of seconds, the display went to "Emergency Shutdown" and it powered off.

The three of them promptly cheered, and Squawkencluck giggled about how her bottom practically saved the day. Then Birch arrived back.

'So, are you guys dead ye–WHAT THE HELL? MY GENERATOR! MY BOMB!' he started screaming.

'I guess you can say your mission has failed, Birch,' Danger Mouse smugly told him.

Birch started throwing a tantrum. 'NO NO NO NO NO!' he screamed, causing a lot of racket with it. The three of them were covering their ears from all the sheer screaming.

Eventually, Danger Mouse couldn't take it anymore and yelled '**SHUT UPPPPP!**' … and both the bomb and the generator that Squawkencluck plugged up (which was now on fire) started to vibrate again. Both were made from metal, and once again Danger Mouse's vocal powers caused them to shatter, with the bomb spilling out a putrid-smelling chemical liquid putting out the flames.

'The stink juice,' Birch said in a desperate attempt at enthusiasm. 'I'll save you, my pretty!' And he did. He started to roll around in the liquid, using his clothes to soak the juices up. Everyone was staring at him with some of the biggest WTH faces one could see.

'Cake's ready, Birch,' the tea lady called out from the doorway. She then noticed the strange sight before her – Birch, Danger Mouse, Penfold, and Squawkencluck all had sheepish looks on their faces; Squawkencluck had her bottom stuck in a generator (which, on a second look, kinda looked like an iron lung) which had burst; an ominous liquid that had spilled from the bomb/generator that smelt bad; and Birch rolling around in the liquid.

'… this is not what it looks like,' Squawkencluck tried to reassure.

'… I'm too old for this dreck,' the tea lady responded, and left, leaving the cake on the porch.

Danger Mouse grabbed hold of the cake and gave it to Squawkencluck.

'Here's your first step to getting back your body.'

Squawkencluck understood and gobbled the cake down, with Birch looking shocked over **his** cake being eaten by someone else.

* * *

_2 weeks later_

Danger Mouse was reading the newspaper back at HQ. Apparently, Birch had gained a following of cows who were protesting outside Parliament for the same reason he was trying to stink it up.

Professor Squawkencluck slid into the room, much like how she did earlier when she was showing her "new body".

'Hey, Danger Mouse,' she said. 'I'm making some tea for myself, do you want any?'

'Ooh, yes please.'

She promptly put the kettle on, got two cups out, and put a tea bag in each. Then she got out the milk and cubes (sugar for her, cheese for him). After getting these out, she took off her lab coat and spoke to Danger Mouse. 'By the way, Danger Mouse, do you notice anything different about me?'

Danger Mouse looked up from his newspaper to see what she was talking about. He was quite glad about what he saw – Squawkencluck's body had returned to its normal appearance. 'You've returned to normal, haven't you?'

'Indeed, I have. I've deliberately put on a slight bit of weight to return my torso to its normal size,' she continued, pouring the hot water into the tea cups. 'Also, if I'm not mistaken, I think it's ironically made my bum a tad bigger than it used to be!'

'Oh, wow,' Danger Mouse responded, now having put his newspaper down (over his crotch and thighs). 'It's good to have the old you back.'

That comment made her smile even more. She then walked up with the two cups, now full, and gave Danger Mouse his cup. She took a seat next to him.

'I just wanted to thank you again for helping me with my weight problem, Danger Mouse. I didn't know you had such hidden depths.'

'That's what friends are for,' he replied.

Squawkencluck decided to be a bit cheeky, and said 'Speaking of which, Danger Mouse, you seem to be quite skinny yourself. Maybe you should get some more meat on your bones.'

Danger Mouse started blushing as she giggled. 'There's nothing wrong with _my_ shape,' he insisted. 'I'm not too thin!'

'M-hm. You should probably get a hamburger down your throat.' She giggled again.

Danger Mouse had the perfect way to fire back. 'Okay, I may be skinnier than you, but at least I don't have to worry about my chest being flat!'

Squawkencluck stopped giggling after hearing that and changed to an annoyed expression. 'You take that back!'

'Shan't.'

THE END

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